On to the Posting!

Sorry y'all. I meant to get on this a lot sooner, but lo and behold farming happened. And then surgery happened and now I have little better to do than to get caught up on this blog. And write wedding thank you cards, but that can wait a moment.

The main goal I wanted to accomplish with this blog is to capture moments of bravery. What bravery is and examples from my life that emulate that quality that encompasses the mixture of fear and overcoming fear simultaneously.  The first type of bravery I wanted to talk about is from my grandpa. It takes a certain level of courage to change. Change is a terrifying word especially after 70+ years. However, my grandpa has done it.

Now, my grandfather has never been a bad man. In fact, my grandfather is one of the greatest men I know. Whenever I've made stupid mistakes on the farm, he's always been beyond patient with me. In fact, I only remember raising his voice at me once and in complete honesty I deserved it. He helped me restore the old Farmall H that was sitting in the yard for years. He taught me how to recognize when the dew came in. He taught me what it meant to be a good person.

Recently my grandfather made a dramatic change. He decided to make covenants with our Heavenly Father and with his wife. My grandpa decided that he wanted to be with my Grandma for eternity. In order to do this my grandpa had to make a lot of changes. My grandpa became a church going man for the first time I could ever remember. My grandpa quit drinking coffee. I'm not going to share all of my grandpa's story, because it is completely his. Suffice it to say that my grandpa taught me a lot about what it means to change. He has taught me an important lesson in humility and trusting in our Heavenly Father.

It would have been so incredibly easy to say, "I'm too old" or "You can't teach an old dog new tricks".  Instead he looked heavenward and said, "Not my will Lord, but thine be done."
I have the best family ever.

Now and on the Surface

Now, I am healthy.
On the surface I'm okay.
If you ran into me right now, on a street somewhere you wouldn't find anything out of the ordinary. I'm very average looking. Well, I'm average looking if you consider greasy jeans and hay dusted hair average. I'm a farmer by birth and a student (at the moment) by trade. I have an amazing husband that I've been married to for a month and he has been my best friend for six years. Through the week I work all day long and on Sunday my husband and I teach an amazing group of 9 year old kids. I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints. Not a perfect member, but I'm okay with that.

For a long time I've had a living turmoil inside of me. I've done an excellent job at hiding the turmoil from the world. I know for a fact that I am not alone in this endeavor of keeping myself hidden. Although you would think that after twenty years of living I would learn to move on. In a way, I have moved on. The pain is no longer so urgent. The anger is absent. However, the nightmares still haunt my sleeping hours. 

I'm not a writer by trade. In fact, I despise writing. The stories I have after 20+ years are bottled up inside of me and and are practically writing themselves. If no one reads this blog, that is perfectly okay. This blog is for me. I'm tired of the nightmares and I'm ready to completely move on. I'm writing this to gain an understanding and to invite my Savior to help me overcome.

My hope is that someone else might have the desire to make this journey with me. That another might see a resemblance of their life in my words and have the strength to move forward a few more baby steps. Life is sweet, precious, but incredibly difficult. My story is not much different from others, but that doesn't change the fact that it is completely mine.

That is me and I'm trying to get a little deeper than the surface.